WASHINGTON, DC—President Biden offered some crucial guidance earlier today on how to safely celebrate the upcoming holidays over the course of the next several months, now that millions of Americans have been vaccinated against COVID-19.

“We must continue to be vigilant against this virus,” Biden said. “It’s not over just yet, and I implore my fellow Americans to continue following the advice of Dr. Fauci and the CDC no matter how much it changes. But I can assure everyone that if we continue doing our part, we’ll be able to celebrate July 4^th by the end of the year. That’s a promise I intend on keeping to the American people.”

When asked for clarification, Press Secretary Jen Psaki stated to reporters, “Whether July 4^th celebrations will go on as usual this year is a hard question for me to answer, so I’ll circle back on this sometime in August.”

Conservative media immediately erupted over Biden’s remarks, with countless right-wing media outlets running with headlines such as, “Independence Day: Cancelled?”, to “Cancel Culture claims its next victim: July 4^th”, to “A delayed July 4^th: Does that apply to Tax Day also?”

If July 4^th celebrations didn’t pan out, Biden promised that we’ll be able to celebrate New Year’s by March of next year.

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Rafi Metz

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