WASHINGTON, DC—First Lady* Dr. Jill Biden had a sharp object removed from her left foot by doctors at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Thursday, after she stepped on her son Hunter’s crack pipe.

“Last weekend, prior to her two official events in Hawaii, the First Lady stepped on an object on the beach which became lodged in her left foot,” said spokesman Michael LaRosa. “That object was the glass pipe her son uses to smoke crack.”

LaRosa said Biden underwent “a procedure today at [Walter Reed] to remove the object. She’s keeping her son.”

The first lady visited Hawaii on her way home from Tokyo, where she watched the Olympic Games.

President* Joe Biden accompanied his wife, slightly delaying speech he gave on Thursday afternoon.

The president announced that all federal employees will be required to undergo frontal lobotomies or they will have to wear masks at work and physically maintain their distance from others.

After he finished his remarks, the president said he was going to check on Dr. Biden’s condition.

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