Local Branch Covidian waterboards himself trying to drink vaccine through his mask

US—A local member of the Branch Covidian sect of Fauciism, David Jackaski is in the hospital today after accidentally waterboarding himself while trying to drink the COVID vaccine through his mask.

Sources say the man, who lives alone with three cats, screamed in tortuous pain for hours attempting the difficult task.

Friends and neighbors were saddened to hear of the mishap.

“He always seemed like a normal guy. You know, he would wave at us and the kids when he saw us. I had no idea he was a Branch Covidian,” a neighbor who goes by Pauly said.

Branch Covidians are the fastest growing sect in the country and look to pass up Christianity as the country’s most popular religion this year.

Jackaski was wearing a T-shirt with the Branch Covidian creed as he was admitted into the hospital for hypoxia.

“According to the apostolic teaching and the doctrine of the World Health Organization, let us believe in the one deity of Science, who should never be questioned,” the shirt reads.


"Excuse me, has this joke been fact-checked?"

Bypass Zuck and his minions and receive hilarious "unauthorized" satire to your inbox, every day.

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.