DALLAS—Southwest Airlines CEO Gary Kelly said that there was no issue with the company mandating vaccinations and that they were replacing all unvaccinated pilots with inflatable autopilots from the movie “Airplane”.

Southwest said last week that its 56,000 employees needed to be vaccinated against Covid by Dec. 8 in order to keep working at the airline under the federal mandate that doesn’t exist.

“My goal, obviously, is that no one loses their job. The objective here, obviously, is to improve health and safety, not for people to lose their jobs,” Kelly said. “So, obviously we’re going to fire all the unvaccinated pilots and replace them with those silly-ass inflatable autopilots from the ’80s comedy.”

The inflatable autopilot is an extremely skilled pilot and besides some sexual harassment claims, has had no HR issue and gladly takes multiple vaccinations per day.

According to Southwest, the cancellations were not a result of a “sickout” staged by unvaccinated pilots but by the fact that Jupiter’s Giant Red Spot jumped to Earth and ravaged the country—but just for Southwest Airlines destinations.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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