WASHINGTON, DC—The Biden administration has made it clear that proof of full vaccination will be required to receive the administration’s free crack cocaine as part of FDA Commissioner Hunter Biden‘s new program.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said that those who want the free pipe for the hallucination-inducing smoke must present a valid COVID-19 vaccination record card indicating that they have received at least one shot of the Moderna or Pfizer vaccines, or the single shot Johnson & Johnson vaccine. The administration will not honor vaccine stickers or marker tattoos.

“We want to make sure that people are healthy and doing the right thing,” Psaki said in a statement to Genesius Times. “That’s why we are making sure people are fully vaccinated before they smoke crack.”

The administration is also offering free facemasks with holes cut out that make it easier to smoke crack while being healthy and socially responsible.

“We need people to be healthy, and if they require the incentive of a little crack rock to be healthy, then we’re all for it,” Psaki added.

Hunter Biden endorsed the campaign and was one of its first recipients.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts