WASHINGTON, DC—In an unprecedented move, President* Joe Biden has unilaterally annexed Ukraine and made it the 51st state of the United States in order to expedite a war with Russia and start World War III.

“We’re sick and tired of waiting for World War III to start,” Biden said through a translator. “Look, you’re either with us or against us. And now Ukraine is us, so we’re going to go to war with Russia.”

Typically, there is a process for admission to the Union according to the Admissions Clause of the United States Constitution in Article IV, Section 3, Clause 1, which authorizes the United States Congress to admit new states into the Union beyond the thirteen states that already existed when the Constitution came into effect.

But Biden has waived that clause, “because we’re in a time of war because Ukraine is at war, and Ukraine is now a state, so we’re at war.”

Biden has assured us that his predecessor Donald Trump started the war and he’s just finishing it.

In a statement to the news media, Biden said, “I’m just trying to fix what Trump broke. He started this mess, and I’m the one who’s going to finish it. And if that means starting World War III, then so be it.” 

The United Nations has condemned Biden’s move, calling it “reckless and dangerous,” but the President remains undeterred. “We’re going to war, and we’re going to win,” he said. “And if that means destroying the entire planet, then so be it. We’re going to do whatever it takes to win this war.” 

Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin has responded to Biden’s announcement, saying, “We’re not scared of Biden. He’s just a weak old man who can’t even speak properly. We’re going to show him what real power looks like.” 

As tensions between the United States and Russia continue to rise, the world watches with bated breath, wondering if this is the beginning of the end.

_{Originally published September 30, 2022}

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