WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare moment of transparency, Attorney General Merrick Garland issued a stern warning to Russia to “not interfere with our interference of our elections.” And not because the U.S. wants a fair election, but because, as Garland put it, “Election interference is the CIA and FBI’s job!”

Standing at the Justice Department podium, Garland spoke passionately about the sanctity of U.S. election interference. “Our intelligence agencies have worked tirelessly for decades to fine-tune the art of influence. We simply cannot allow foreign entities to waltz in and undermine our carefully orchestrated chaos.”

Garland pointed out that interference in American elections is a delicate process that requires deep institutional knowledge. “It takes years of shadowy backdoor deals, disinformation campaigns, and quiet surveillance to get this right. Russia, you’re not needed here.”

The CIA and FBI issued a joint statement shortly after Garland’s speech, saying, “We appreciate the Attorney General’s defense of our electoral meddling prowess. We’ve been training for this for years. Whether it’s nudging voter opinions or quietly influencing key swing states, we’ve got it under control.”

CIA Director William Burns added, “We know every trick in the book—after all, we wrote it. Foreign interference is an insult to our domestic expertise.”

FBI Director Christopher Wray was also quick to assure the public that American agencies are on top of the situation. “We’ve got a new strategy this time around: instead of debunking conspiracy theories, we’re planting our own. This way, when voters hear the truth, they won’t believe a word of it,” Wray explained while casually shredding documents in the background.

In an unexpected twist, the Department of Homeland Security offered to step in with their own brand of interference insurance. “We’ll be rolling out fact-checking drones,” announced Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas. “These will fly over polling stations, scanning for any signs of unauthorized meddling—unless it’s our own. That’s just good, clean democracy.”

Vladimir Putin, upon hearing Garland’s warning, reportedly smirked and said, “Good luck, America. We’ll leave the disinformation to the professionals.”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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