In an emotional press conference today, Vice President Kamala Harris offered comfort to the victims of Hurricane Helene by reminding them of her groundbreaking achievements in reproductive healthcare.

“I want the people of North Carolina to know, as they rebuild their lives, that I was the first Vice President to ever tour an abortion facility,” Harris said, standing confidently in front of a backdrop of flooded homes. “While I can’t provide you with immediate disaster relief or FEMA support, I can offer the comfort of knowing that I have championed women’s rights in ways no VP ever has. I’m making history, and you’re a part of it.”

The audience, which was mostly stranded hurricane survivors without power, stared blankly as Harris continued, “When I walked through those abortion clinic doors, I thought of each and every one of you. Just like you, those seeking abortions are making tough decisions in difficult times.”

Harris did not specify any actual aid for the victims but reassured them that her administration had committed another $200 billion to Ukraine and hinted that her abortion mill tour was “just the start of more symbolic victories to come.”

After the press conference, a White House spokesperson clarified that Harris’s visit to North Carolina was “mainly ceremonial” and that FEMA funds would likely be delayed but promised more updates on reproductive rights tours coming soon.

Back on the ground, many North Carolinians remained confused. “I’m not sure how that helps us,” said one local. “But hey, at least history was made somewhere, right?”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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