NEW YORK—In a move that has redefined the concept of “retail therapy,” Black Lives Matter (BLM) organizers have announced plans for an “Extended Black Friday Looting Spectacular” in celebration of the recent acquittal of Daniel Penny. According to our sources at Genesius Times, this event promises to be the biggest since the last time someone forgot to unplug their flatscreen TV.

“We’re turning this verdict into an opportunity,” declared an unnamed BLM organizer, who was last seen measuring the windows of a high-end electronics store. “If justice won’t be served in the courtroom, it will be served on the streets – with a side of new sneakers.”

The event is expected to kick off right after Thanksgiving, extending through what was traditionally known as Black Friday, but which will now be known as “Black Liberation Friday.” “We’re not just looking for discounts; we’re looking for reparations,” the organizer quipped, while adjusting their newly acquired, untouched-by-corporate-greed Gucci sunglasses.

Local businesses, already on edge from the holiday shopping season, are bracing for impact. One store owner on Fifth Avenue, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being the first looter, expressed mixed feelings. “On one hand, it’s terrible for business, but on the other, it might be the only way I can afford to retire early.”

The NYPD has responded by promising to distribute more riot gear than Thanksgiving turkeys this year, with Chief of Police stating, “We’re preparing for a shopping spree like no other. It’s like Black Friday, but with less patience and more bullhorns.”

Political commentators are divided. Some see this as a new form of protest, while others are just confused about how one can protest by getting a free flatscreen. “Is this activism or just really aggressive couponing?” asked one pundit.

In a surprising twist, several major corporations have decided to get in on the action by offering “Looting Discounts.” A leaked memo from a luxury brand suggested that if they “can’t beat them, they might as well join them,” promising a 20% discount on all items taken during the event, no receipt necessary.

Meanwhile, Daniel Penny, the man at the center of this storm, has reportedly decided to spend Black Friday in a bunker, watching the chaos unfold from the safety of his legally acquired, non-looted television.

As for the rest of us, we’re left to ponder if this is the future of activism or just the most audacious holiday shopping strategy ever conceived. Either way, one thing is clear: this Black Friday, the only thing more dangerous than the crowds will be the satire.

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