Researchers at the Institute of Feathered Futures (IFF) have uncovered a startling truth: chickens lay more eggs when you stop mass-slaughtering them under the questionable pretext of preventing bird flu. The findings, published this week in the journal Poultry Progress, have sparked outrage, confusion, and a lot of clucking in the agricultural world, threatening to upend decades of knee-jerk poultry policies.

The Discovery That Cracked the Shell

The study, spearheaded by Dr. Henrietta Beakman, began as an investigation into egg production efficiency amid rising global concerns about avian influenza. “We were looking at stress factors in hens,” Beakman explained at a press conference, nervously eyeing a nearby bottle of disinfectant. “But then we noticed something bizarre. The chickens we didn’t cull in a preemptive bird flu panic were laying eggs like they were on a mission to repopulate the planet.”

The data was undeniable. Chickens spared from the mass culls—often carried out on the flimsiest suspicion of a potential bird flu outbreak—produced up to 35% more eggs per month than their counterparts living under the constant threat of a government-ordered purge. “It seems,” Beakman continued, “that chickens don’t appreciate being treated like ticking time bombs. They’d rather just get on with their egg-laying duties, thank you very much.”

The Chicken Whisperer’s Hot Take

To dig deeper, the team enlisted the expertise of Farmer Jed Cluckworthy, a self-proclaimed “chicken whisperer” who claims to understand the emotional lives of his feathered friends. “I’ve been saying this for years,” Cluckworthy declared, cradling his favorite hen, Matilda, who looked suspiciously smug. “You can’t keep rounding up billions of chickens for slaughter just because one of them sneezed in a neighboring country. It’s bad for morale! These girls need peace, not paranoia.”

Cluckworthy’s observations proved spot-on. The researchers found that chickens in the “no-cull” group showed significantly fewer signs of stress—no frantic feather-plucking or anxious clucking. Instead, they strutted around their coops with what the team described as “a renewed zest for life.” One hen, nicknamed Egginator, reportedly laid an egg so massive it required a custom carton and a standing ovation from the research team.

Big Poultry and Governments in a Flap

The findings have thrown the poultry industry and government regulators into a frenzy. For years, the standard response to even a whiff of bird flu has been to slaughter billions of chickens, often with little evidence that the culls actually prevent the spread of the virus. Now, with egg production numbers on the line, the policy is being called into question. “This is ridiculous,” fumed Tyson McDrumstick, CEO of MegaChicken Inc., while nervously shredding a stack of bird flu contingency plans. “If we stop culling chickens, what are we supposed to do when the next flu scare hits? Just let them lay eggs and hope for the best? This is an egg-sistential crisis!”

Government officials were equally defensive. A spokesperson for the Department of Agricultural Panic (DAP) insisted, “Mass culls are a necessary precaution. Sure, we might have overreacted a few billion times, but better safe than sorry, right? Besides, who needs all those eggs when we’ve got hand sanitizer stockpiles to worry about?”

But not everyone is digging in their heels. Smaller, independent farms are already embracing the “let them lay” philosophy. Green Coop Farms, a family-run operation, has vowed to stop participating in preemptive culls altogether. Owner Clara Yolkson told reporters, “We’ve ditched the bird flu paranoia. Our hens are thriving, our egg production is soaring, and I no longer have nightmares about hazmat suits chasing me through the barn.”

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