“This president, he’s like a planetary object,” Representative Adam Schiff said. “He warps time. And things that you think happened a couple weeks ago, it turns out, only happened a day or two ago. I would’ve said he was a black hole, but I’m not racist.”

Schiff is finally getting to start public impeachment hearings—the thing he’s wanted most in his life. And with respect to the time-warping President Trump, he’s scheduled impeachment hearings for the next five years.

“I’ve been trying to impeach Trump for three years and I will continue until I’m successful or he leaves office in 5 years,” Schiff said.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who has been drinking heavily to make it through the process, said that their number one goal is to bring down Trump.

“We understand that there’s nothing to run on as the economy is in great shape and Trump has moved to get the US out of the Middle East wars. So our best bet is to find some typo or misstep in a phone call to some Slavic country official to really nail him! I estimate we’ll use the whole five years left in his presidency to take him down,” Pelosi added.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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