US—After his historic victory in the presidential election, which was the first not to have voter fraud, former Vice President Joe Biden said his first duty will be to unite a divided country.

“Under Trump, we’ve had four years of division and spite,” he said in his victory speech in Wilmington, DE. “Kamala and I will put an end to the viscous bickering, at least until Republicans win back the White House.”

As soon as he was announced the winner in this highly contested race, Biden waved a magic wand and every disagreement that had previously been taking place suddenly stopped.

“It was Amazing,” said Ricky Bobby James, a former Trump supporter from Indiana. “As soon as Biden was announced the winner, I knew that everything I had been supporting in the previous four years was misguided and wrong. Now I totally want socialist health care and to defund the police.”

“I was just about to make a racist slur on Facebook,” said another Republican. “But as soon as Biden became president, I felt the hatred vanish from my heart.”

Because of Biden’s swift action on this front, America is now united for the first time ever, at least since Obama was president because, of course, we were united then too.

The effect has been universal. A Trump rally in Texas spontaneously transformed into a love-in from the ’60s where everyone was singing ‘Kumbaya’. Several football teams playing on Saturday stopped their games and started drawing in adult coloring books.

“It feels so good to agree with everyone again,” said a Biden supporter. “Why we ever lived any other way is beyond me.”

About Author