BREAKING: Joe Biden declares war on two countries during victory speech

WASHINGTON DC–Shortly after the MSNBC declared Joe Biden president-elect of the United States of America during a disputed election, Biden gave a victory speech in which he declared war on Syria and Iran, fulfilling one of his only specific campaign promises.

When reminded that he isn’t president yet and cannot unilaterally declare war, Biden threatened everyone in the room to a push-up competition.

While several states have not declared a winner, Pennsylvania and Nevada said that their electoral votes would go toward the 87-year-old former vice president despite several lawsuits in those states. Those electoral college votes gave MSNBC the green light.

Genesius Times has officially declared Kanye West the 46th president of the United States because we can do that if we want.

President Trump was the first president in several decades to no start a new war, an embarrassment that Biden vowed to correct immediately.

“Who does Trump think he is? Gandhi? This is America. We blow up brown people. That’s what we do!” Biden said.