WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden ordered flags to be flown at half-staff today to honor all the people who didn’t die after states such as Texas and Florida have reopened.

“It’s a real tragedy,” Biden said in a prepared statement to the White House press corp. “We were supposed to have a lot more people die and we didn’t and now we’re forced to give back people’s freedoms.”

This past weekend, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reluctantly issued new guidelines about mask-wearing and vaccination, after new data showed hospitalizations and deaths for COVID-19 plummeting across the country.

“How are we supposed to maintain a fear-based totalitarian state if no one is dying? Facebook and Twitter can only propagandize so much,” Biden said before stumbling off stage for a nap.

Biden has included “Not As Many People Died From COVID As We Had Hoped” Day as an official half-staff date along with Memorial Day (last Monday in May), Patriots Day (Sept 11), and Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day (Dec 7).

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