PORTLAND, OR—They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That has now been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt as liberal Portland residents have finally found the answer to all the rioting and looting in their great city.
Conservatives in Portland have taken a different tack. They have purchased firearms, tanks, bazookas, flamethrowers, and tactical nuclear weapons to discourage looters. Fortunately, the self-hating malcontents have taken notice and stayed clear. This is called “The McCloskey Effect.”
Some Biden supporters have been asking themselves whether setting their homes ablaze made any sense. The answer was kindly provided by BLM and Antifa who assured them their homes were adequately insured. Remarkably enough, that seemed to quiet the restless progressives. Now everything was making sense. The other benefit was land in Portland has now become totally worthless so rebuilding should be a whole lot cheaper. A win-win.
The next question for residents was how to burn a house down without offending anyone? The first answer was to get a bag full of dog poop, set it on fire, and stamp it out in your living room right under flammable drapes. Another option already tried on the streets of Portland was to run through a Molotov Cocktail, set your feet on fire then enter your home and find an old dried out shag rug. That worked surprisingly well.
Even more good news has come out. Since some of the nights in Portland can be chilly, setting homes on fire can provide considerable warmth and comfort to the rioters and looters as they bypass your home. And we all know a happy mob is a peaceful mob and that’s what everyone wants these days. Can we have an amen?