WASHINGTON, DC—President Biden, after spending almost two hours alone, at his Oval Office desk, consulting (babbling aimlessly) with his closest advisors, has concluded (flip flopped) that Putin could invade at anytime and almost anywhere but hasn’t done so and therefore, the only possible conclusion is that it is the Ukraine that will be invading Russia.

He authorized emergency distribution of American cigarettes and amusement park coupons to Ukrainian forces as supplies were thinning and is preparing a speech to boost Ukrainian morale.

For the rest of the afternoon, the President repeatedly adjusted the DEFCON levels at U.S. military command elevating to DEFCON 2, then back to 4, then up to 1, then down to 6, then to Zero.

He remained by his emergency ‘Red’ phone awaiting an update from V.P. Kamala Harris to see if she had slept with anyone important yet at NEATO headquarters in Brussels, Belgium. He was assured by her staff that she was already downing cocktails and had her eye on a Polish undersecretary who knows a guy who knows a guy that sells onions to the Ukrainian foreign minister’s kitchen chef.

Russian President Putin announced that tourist buses, now strategically placed on the Ukraine border awaiting the first rush of Russian tourists for ‘Snowbird Migration’ to the wonderful vacation-land of Eastern Ukraine are gassed up and travel agents are making reservations at all the Kyiv hotels.

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