Rumors have been swirling recently about democratic socialist Bernie Sanders‘s connection with Russia. Now our crack team of investigative journalists have uncovered the smoking gun. Sanders listed Vladimir Putin as a ‘significant other’ on a 1964 mortgage application for his 5th home.

This proves that Bernie Sanders is a Russian asset, just like everyone that Hillary Clinton doesn’t like.

Would the Democrats nominate an obvious Russian asset after spending years trying to convince everyone that Trump was one to remove him from office? That’s not clear. What are the alternatives?

Here’s the rundown on the other candidates:

Polling shows Democrats would definitely consider voting for a genetically modified candidate. Of course, they wouldn’t eat anything GMO, but running the entire country? Sure. Let’s take Elizabeth Warren. Her genetics are now public record. It appears she was full-blooded Cherokee until eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. Apparently she didn’t know GMO Buffalo could fly, ate a considerable number of genetically modified Buffalo Wings, and dropped to 1/1024 Cherokee. A pity because she would have made a great commander in Chief.

In spite of the Coronavirus pandemic, GT did send several reporters to China to see if any Presidential candidates could be uncovered. Our first stop was Manchuria and we were blown away. Hundreds of Manchurian Candidates were uncovered, but the most promising was Hunter Biden. We found him praying to the porcelain gods after a 48-hour crack/meth/alcohol binge. He claimed he was definitely considering a Presidential run now that his Dad was fading. Polling has revealed Democrats would strongly consider voting for him over Trump. We were not surprised.

DNC internal polling does reveal that a ‘living breathing candidate’ would be preferable, but to get Trump out of office, a properly embalmed well-preserved odor-free candidate such as Bernie or Fidel Castro would do.

GT’s own poll of 1000 likely Democrat voters found surprising support for Vladamir Putin over every other nominee. The reason? Experience, positive media coverage, and the mere fact has won every election with 107% of the popular vote. Impressive. Who can resist those flawless characteristics and the potential to get >100% of the popular vote? And for VP. HRC of course. A Putin/Clinton ticket for 2020! At this point, it’s probably their only chance to beat Trump.

About Author