WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning yet not entirely surprising development, President* Joe Biden has confirmed his unwavering commitment to the 2024 presidential race. Sources close to the President revealed that Biden was recently informed by his family and advisors that he definitely wants to stay in the race.

“I am absolutely flumambulzza that I want to run for reashuction,” Biden announced at a hastily arranged press conference. “I was told this morning, right after my oatmeal frubblegah, that this is what I want. And I trust my team—they’ve always known what’s best for me.”

The President*’s decision comes amid swirling rumors about his health and capacity to serve another term. Yet, the message from the White House is clear: Joe Biden is running because he has been assured it is his deepest desire.

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre elaborated on the decision-making process. “President Biden is a man of conviction and determination,” she said. “Every morning, after his daily briefing and crossword puzzle, we remind him of his commitment to the American people. Today, he was particularly enthusiastic after we informed him that he’s passionate about continuing his work.”

In response to questions about Biden’s ability to campaign and govern effectively, Chief of Staff Ron Klain assured the press that the President is in top form. “He’s sharper than ever,” Klain insisted. “Just yesterday, he remembered where he put his glasses without any help. That’s the kind of mental acuity we need in a leader.”

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has also thrown its full support behind Biden’s candidacy. DNC Chair Jaime Harrison stated, “We are thrilled that President Biden has been told he wants to continue leading our great nation. We look forward to reminding him of this commitment every day until Election Day.”

However, not everyone is convinced. Critics argue that Biden’s advisors are pulling the strings and that the President might not be fully aware of his own decisions. “It’s like watching a marionette show,” said an anonymous source within the Democratic Party. “But hey, if he thinks he wants to run, who are we to argue?”

Despite the skepticism, Biden’s campaign team is already gearing up for the race. Plans are underway for a series of rallies where the President will speak to the American people about his vision for the future—once he’s been briefed on what that vision entails.

In a show of solidarity, Vice President Kamala Harris echoed Biden’s commitment. “Joe is ready to lead us into the next four years, and I am here to ensure he remembers that every step of the way,” she said with a reassuring smile.

As the nation gears up for what promises to be another contentious election cycle, one thing is clear: President Joe Biden is running for re-election. And he’s more confident than ever—just as soon as someone reminds him.

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