WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has made a bold move to halt funding for something that never even happened. In a recent press conference, Biden triumphantly announced that his administration is officially putting an end to gain-of-function experimentation funding at the Wuhan lab, but of course that never happened.

“We have made the courageous decision to cease all funding for a research program that never ever existed,” Biden proudly declared. “We are taking proactive measures to prevent any potential consequences from an event that of course never occurred.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, renowned expert in flip-flopping, applauded the move, stating, “I fully support the decision to halt funding for something that never happened. It’s always good to be proactive, even if there’s nothing to be proactive about. It sends a strong message to the nonexistent problem, which we never had.”

In response to the news, conspiracy theorists around the world were left in a state of disbelief. “We knew it all along!” proclaimed one enthusiast. “They’re trying to gaslight us into thinking that it never happened by stopping the funding to it and admitting it happened.”

Social media was flooded with memes and jokes about the surreal announcement. One user tweeted, “Next on the agenda: Biden announces plans to stop funding for unicorn grooming in Narnia!” while another quipped, “Breaking news: Biden vows to put an end to the Loch Ness Monster’s champagne addiction!”

While the Biden administration is steadfast in their decision, many citizens are left scratching their heads, wondering if this is simply a case of political posturing or a strategic move to distract from more pressing issues.

In any case, the world eagerly awaits the next satirical move from the White House, where reality seems to blend with fiction in a delightful dance of confusion. Until then, we’ll all be on the edge of our seats, ready for the next surprising announcement about stopping things that never happened.

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