GOSHEN, IN – With Bernie Sanders cleaning up in the democratic primaries, voters around the country are split about whether America is ready for the endless breadlines and gulags that are sure to accompany the democratic socialist presidency.
The Petty Prophet spent some time in a Midwestern diner to talk to Joe Corncobb and Bobby Sixpack about these latest developments. “I’m a little worried,” said Joe, who was wearing a checkered shirt and holding a sprig of wheat in his teeth. “I mean, I don’t like the prospects of starving to death, but man, do I want me some free healthcare!”
Bobby Sixpack picked at his fried egg as a Bruce Springsteen song began to play on the jukebox. The quaint old diner atmosphere was immediately interrupted by a needle drop sound from the record player. The jukebox began to play a glorious rendition of the Soviet anthem. At the sound of the music, a group of bearded hipsters in a corner booth slowly stood up and faced east. With a glazed, far off look in their eyes, they joined in a chorus of praise to the rebirth of the USSR.
Bobby Sixpack stood up, walked over to the group, and knocked all five of them out with one blow. The unfortunate hipsters are currently recovering in a nearby country hospital.
“I’m not sure about going to a re-education camp to be tortured into politically correct thinking, but I just really like the idea of cancelling my student loan debt,” self-professed Bernie Bro Kyle Tinkerhead said. “And that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! I would go to her gulag any day!”
It would appear America isn’t quite ready.
Democrats are currently discussing strategies to make breadlines and gulags appeal to the average voter.