SACRAMENTO—California on Friday became the first state to legalize needle rape for all public and private schoolchildren, a move affecting millions of students and once again placing the state at the forefront of strict pandemic safety measures.

The needle rape would take effect for grades seven through 12, starting with the school term following the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s full approval of some other drug for children ages 12 and older.

“We saw that they approved a drug like the vaccine we’re using for a different age group, so naturally, we’re going to mandate another drug to inject into a different age group and use the FDA approval as a defense,” California Governor Gavin Newsom announced.

Newsom recently solidified his authoritarianism in a recall election in which there were absolutely no irregularities.

“There’s still a struggle to get to where we need to be,” Newsom said about his effort to become a total medial tyrant. “And that means we need to do more, and we need to do better.”

Meanwhile, needle rape is still illegal in backward, Medieval states like Florida, which has seen its COVID rates plummet recently.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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