WASHINGTON, DC—With President Trump’s impending impeachment trial approaching rapidly, legal and constitutional scholars from around the nation have been pondering exactly under what baseless grounds the former president should be convicted in said trial and thus render him disqualified to ever hold federal office again. I’ve decided, therefore, to perform a public service and outline a very exhaustive case as to why the president should be convicted, in a way that even the AOC’s among us can understand.
Reason #1: Presidential Qualifications
The Constitution of the United States outlines a number of qualifications for the presidency, almost all of which Trump has never met. Among them:
- Article II, Section III, Clause I of the Constitution states that anyone whose last name is Trump and has fake orange hair is disqualified from the presidency.
- The president violates Clause II (ibid.) which states, “Any individual who is a citizen of the United States, who either mocks, ridicules, taunts, or sneers at any member of the Democrat Party, shall not qualify for president of the United States. This section shall become law on the twentieth day of January in the year of our Lord, Two-Thousand and Seventeen.”
- The president’s MAGA promises violate Clause III (ibid.), which states, “Any individual who, after assuming the office of the president, shall attempt to make the United States of America great again in any way, shape, or form, shall be immediately removed from office, barring an impeachment proceeding.”
Reason #2: The “Supremacy” Clause
Article VI states that the Constitution is the “supreme law of the land”. Scholars argue that over time progressivism has been transformed into the supreme law of the land, and thus the president abiding by the Constitution instead of progressivism is a convictable offense.
Reason #3: Cruel & Unusual Punishment
The 8th Amendment of the Bill of Rights bars the infliction of “cruel and unusual punishment”. Scholars argue that Trump’s presidency has caused Democrats and Never-Trumpers cruel and unusual punishment, resulting in an incurable and infectious disease designated by medical experts as Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS).
Reason #4: The Constitution is Unconstitutional
In the groundbreaking Supreme Court decision SCOTUS v. The Constitution, the Court ruled that the Constitution is inherently unconstitutional. Scholars argue, therefore, that the president constitutionally abiding by the Constitution is unconstitutionally contrary to the Constitution which is unconstitutional.
Reason #5: Abuse of Pardoning Power
Scholars argue that Trump has repeatedly abused his pardoning power. They cite numerous instances of the president accidentally bumping into people and then stating after each instance, “Pardon me.” They argue that this is an abuse of the president’s pardoning power, which is a convictable offense.
We at the Genesius Times hope that Congress considers the above in light of the country’s artificially-engineered constitutional crisis and responds accordingly.