WASHINGTON, DC—Determined to be proven right about Iraq’s stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction in 2003, President* Joe Biden has appointed former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to personally lead an expedition into Hell to find them.

As former President George W. Bush’s secretary of defense from 2001 to 2006, Rumsfeld was one of the main architects of the 2003 Iraq War and a proponent of the torture methods that damaged America’s global standing.

Rumsfeld played a central role in selling the false notion that Saddam Hussein was actively developing weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) that posed a direct threat to the US. No such weapons were found in Iraq or Afghanistan or Syria.

“I’m going to find those damned WMD if it’s the last thing I do!” Rumsfeld said as he descended into a fiery pit.

When asked about his new task of finding the WMDs in the bowels of Hades, Rumsfeld just replied, “Stuff happens.”

Rumsfeld will also try to find the $2.3 trillion Rumsfeld said on 9/10/2001 the Pentagon had lost.

“I’ll find that money and those WMDs!” Rumsfeld was heard shouting as he fell deeper and deeper into the icy fires.

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