Grocery shelves across Florida are closing up shop in preparation for a category 5 hurricane Milton. The ones that are open have sold out of most items except for the vegan meats substitutes.

“I’d rather starve to death than to ingest any of that textured soy product crap,” Petey Wilkes of Tallahassee said.

Many have cited popular misconceptions that soy meats, for instance, will make you a weakly Democrat.

“My neighbor’s kids grew up completely on that stuff,” Florida resident Lucille Ball said. “And they’re little weirdos now. I could kick their butts!”

Gas stations are also running low as people fill up their cars and generators. Ironically, no one seems to be buying more solar panels or windmills to generate energy in case power goes out.

US Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez weighed in on the energy aspect saying that people wouldn’t be in trouble if they had electric cars:

_{Originally published August 31, 2019.}

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