At this juncture, it seems safe to say that somebody in the Constitutional Convention of 1787 may very well have been an Oracle. Bob Hayes, of Constitutional Scholars R Us, discovered a fascinating caveat added to the back of the Bill of Rights. It turns out that, under a very particular set of circumstances, the individual rights of every American citizen can be rendered null and void.

What circumstance is that, the reader asks? Well it turns out, Bob Hayes found, right beside an asterisk on the back of the Constitution, a rider that negates all individual rights in the case of a really bad cold. That’s correct, our rights only exist insofar as nobody ever catches a really nasty cold. Anyone unaware of the viral structure of the novel coronavirus may be surprised to find out that it fits the criteria perfectly.

So, anyone experiencing the existential discomfort of seeing police state measures, like the implementation of nationwide check points, stay at home orders, the shuttering of religious services, and tyrannically closing all “non-essential” businesses under threat of fines and/or jail time can take comfort in the fact that our founding fathers designed it this way.

So relax, you arguably weren’t free in the first place, the state has been tyrannical for some time, and you just didn’t notice because the television was pretty good, regardless—in this case—the flexing by the state was well within the framework of the constitution.

God Bless America *unless it gets a nasty cold.

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Earnest O'Connor

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