LOS ANGELES—In a heartfelt gesture of international solidarity, President* Joe Biden assured the victims of California’s devastating wildfires that while direct aid might take some time, he would be sending $100 billion to Ukraine—on their behalf.

Speaking from a podium set against the charred ruins of a Los Angeles neighborhood, Biden expressed his deep empathy for those affected. “Folks, I get it,” he began, squinting meaningfully at a teleprompter. “Your homes are gone, your lives are turned upside down. But know this: Your suffering will not be in vain—because it will help buy more HIMARS and maybe even a few tanks for the brave people of Ukraine.”

Biden reassured Californians that their sacrifice was not just an act of nature but an act of global charity. “Every burned-down home represents a missile defense system, every displaced family a generator for a Ukrainian school. We’re all in this together.”

When asked by a tearful resident why federal relief funds were slow to arrive, Biden smiled warmly. “Look, Jack, you’ve got insurance, right? That’s what it’s for. Meanwhile, Ukraine doesn’t have a single FEMA trailer. Think about that.”

Vice President Kamala Harris joined Biden, cackling as she presented a symbolic check for $100 billion, complete with the signatures of wildfire victims printed in ash-gray font. “It’s so important to bring joy and laughter during times like this,” she explained, while doing her best impression of sincerity.

Critics have pointed out that Ukraine might not actually benefit from wildfire victims’ generosity. However, administration officials argue that the gesture will raise morale. “By earmarking these funds in their honor, California residents can feel like they’re part of something bigger—like NATO,” said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre.

Meanwhile, Biden unveiled plans to send “thoughts and prayers” to those affected by the wildfires in the form of a commemorative postcard featuring a Zelensky selfie. “It’s a token of gratitude,” Biden said, before boarding Air Force One for his next stop: an emergency NATO summit to discuss wildfire recovery strategies in Kyiv.

For those Californians seeking immediate assistance, FEMA has promised expedited application processing—right after they finish funding a new Ukrainian cultural center in Lviv.

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