WAHINGTON, DC—In a jaw-dropping escalation of governmental ingenuity, the Department of Justice, under Attorney General Merrick Garland, has reportedly decided to match the $150,000 bounty offered by notorious CIA asset Ryan Routh for anyone who can “finish the job” and successfully assassinate former President Donald Trump.

“It’s only fair,” said Garland in a press conference, as he delicately adjusted his glasses. “If a rogue operative like Routh can put up such a generous offer, then we at the DOJ can certainly meet him halfway in the spirit of justice, transparency, and bipartisan assassination attempts.”

Garland continued, “We’ve seen how ineffective traditional methods have been. Poisoning his diet Coke? Missed him. Golf course snipers? Blown cover. Honestly, it’s getting embarrassing. So, when we heard about Routh’s initiative, we figured, why not make it a joint effort? This country is all about teamwork.”

Ryan Routh, who made the most recent assassination attempt using an AK47 while Trump was playing golf, expressed his delight at the DOJ’s support. “This is the kind of bipartisanship we need more of in this country. It’s not often the DOJ gets behind you like this when you’re, you know, plotting a high-profile assassination. I’m just glad we’re finally working together on something.”

In a memo obtained by whistleblowers, the DOJ outlined the rules for the bounty: anyone who manages to “neutralize” Trump will receive $150,000 in untraceable cash from both Routh and the DOJ — bringing the total reward to a cool $300,000, and a lifetime of IRS forgiveness.

Critics have called the program “wildly illegal” and “morally bankrupt,” to which Garland simply responded, “That’s your opinion.”

The DOJ’s bold move has not gone unnoticed. White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was asked about the ethical implications of government-sanctioned murder-for-hire, to which she replied, “We don’t comment on ongoing bounties.” When asked if she meant “investigations,” she shrugged and added, “Tomato, tomahto.”

Trump, never one to back down from a fight, posted on Truth Social: “Here we go again! First, they try to impeach me, now they’re literally offering cash to finish me off! SAD! But also, kinda flattering. No one else gets this kind of attention. Biden should be worried!”

Meanwhile, the FBI has launched a task force to investigate who has the best odds of completing the “job” as Garland began handing out brochures titled Operation Buy One, Get One Free: A Guide to Joint Assassinations.

Routh has already begun looking for ways to “out-bid” Garland, announcing he might throw in a Netflix deal and a chance to co-host Saturday Night Live as additional incentives. “We’ve got to make this appealing to the younger crowd. They love true crime,” Routh explained.

For now, the race to end Trump’s political career — and maybe more — is heating up, with Americans watching closely to see if the DOJ’s matching offer can finally seal the deal.

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