VATICAN CITY, March 24, 2025 – A wave of disappointment has swept through the Catholic world today as millions of the faithful woke up to the crushing news that Pope Francis, the 88-year-old pontiff, is still very much alive. Despite rampant speculation, fervent prayers, and a few premature eulogies circulating on X, the Vatican confirmed that His Holiness remains in good health—or at least as good as can be expected for a man who’s been dodging rumors of his during a bout of pneumonia.

“I had my black cassock pressed and everything,” lamented Father Giuseppe Russo, a parish priest from Naples, clutching a half-written homily titled ‘Eternal Rest for a Holy Soul.’ “We were so close to a conclave. I even practiced my Latin for the chimney smoke signals. Now what am I supposed to do with all this incense?”

The letdown comes after weeks of heightened anticipation, sparked by the Pope’s recent absence from a minor blessing due to what the Vatican called “a slight fatigue.” Conspiracy theorists and hopeful traditionalists alike seized on the vague phrasing, flooding social media with claims that Francis had secretly shuffled off this mortal coil, possibly to make way for a more conservative successor who might finally ban guitars at Mass. “I saw ‘fatigue’ and assumed it was code for ‘he’s with St. Peter now,’” tweeted @TridentineTom , a self-proclaimed defender of the Latin Rite, whose post garnered 12 retweets and a stern rebuke from his mom.

Across the globe, Catholics who’d been quietly rooting for a papal vacancy expressed their grief in various ways. In Dublin, a group of nuns reportedly canceled a planned “Pope Watch” bingo night, where the grand prize was a framed photo of Cardinal Burke. In Buenos Aires, Francis’s hometown, a street vendor admitted to slashing prices on his “RIP Papa Francisco” candles, muttering, “I guess I’ll just relabel them for Easter.”

The Vatican, meanwhile, seemed oblivious to the collective sulking. A chipper spokesperson assured reporters that Pope Francis spent his morning sipping mate tea and drafting another encyclical on climate change, tentatively titled Laudato Si’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. “His Holiness is as spry as ever,” the spokesperson insisted, though he declined to comment on rumors that Francis had been spotted doing push-ups in the Sistine Chapel to spite his detractors.

For some, the Pope’s resilience is less a miracle and more a personal affront. “I’ve been saving up my criticisms for the eulogy,” grumbled Michael O’Connell, a 62-year-old retiree from Boston who’s spent years compiling a list of Francis’s alleged missteps, including “too many hugs” and “not enough smiting.” “Now I’ve got to wait even longer to say he ruined everything with that Synod nonsense.”

Others saw a silver lining—or rather, a white smoke lining. “Maybe this is God’s way of telling us to chill out,” mused Sister Mary Clare, a progressive nun from Chicago who supports Francis’s reforms. “Or maybe he’s just trolling the trads. Either way, I’m here for it.”

As the day wore on, millions of Catholics adjusted to the harsh reality of a living pope. Support groups popped up on X, with hashtags like #PopeWontGo trending alongside memes of Francis photoshopped onto the Energizer Bunny. One user, @CatholicChaos, summed up the mood: “Pope Francis out here living rent-free in our heads and our dioceses. Send help.”

For now, the faithful are left to ponder an uncomfortable truth: Pope Francis isn’t going anywhere soon, and neither are their mixed feelings about him. As one weary bishop put it, “We’ll just have to keep praying—for his health, or for ours, depending on who you ask.”

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