BREAKING: Musk releases laptop with pics of him smoking crack, laundering cash & sex trafficking minors to ensure FBI won’t investigate him
US—In a brilliant pragmatic move, Tesla and Twitter CEO Elon Musk has released a laptop full of evidence of him smoking crack, laundering money through Ukrainian oligarchs, and sex trafficking minors in order to ensure the FBI won’t investigate him.
This follows revelations that the last time the FBI got their hands on a laptop with evidence of someone smoking crack, laundering money through Ukrainian oligarchs, and sex trafficking minors, they did nothing.
“Not only did we do nothing, we actually worked to protect the laptop owner from prosecution and the public finding out about it,” FBI spokesman Hugh Janus said.
Other savvy businesspeople intend to do the same thing to protect themselves from the FBI.
“We’d really like to grab Musk, but since he released that laptop of him smoking crack, laundering money through Ukrainian oligarchs, and sex trafficking minors, we can’t touch him!” FBI Director Christopher Wray said.
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