BREAKING: Nevada switches to Common Core math with 10k Republican votes left to count

LAS VEGAS—Election officials in Nevada warned that they may not have results for the presidential election until some time after 2021 due to the use of the Common Core math to tally the last 10,000 Republican ballots.

“We want to make sure that these last votes are counted in the slowest, most ridiculous way possible, so we’ll be using Common Core math,” Nevada Gov. Steve Sisolak said. “They had a lot of success causing confusion in the Iowa Caucuses by using Common Core, so that’s what we want to do.”

The Common Core vote counting process involves grouping the ballots in sets of six, then finding which sets feel more like five, then seeing how many hundreds are in between the sets, then dropping a large turd in your pants, and then scribbling a few numbers down and say, “this is reasonable because science!”

“We decided to use Common Core math this year in solidarity with all those poor kids we’re making do it in school and it’s been a real struggle,” Nevada Elections Director Smitty Finklebottoms said. “I mean I’ve been trying to teach my 10-year-old how to do the basics for almost a year now. This could take some time.”

Teaching the new method could take longer than actually doing the counting.

“We want to emphasize that this isn’t a problem with reporting,” Finklebottoms said. “It’s just that nobody knows how to do the damn Common Core math!”


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