Iowa Caucus results delayed due to DNC using Common Core math to tally votes

The first election of 2020 devolved into chaos Monday night as the results of Iowa’s Democratic caucuses were delayed indefinitely as poll workers struggled to complete the basic addition using Common Core math.

“We decided to use Common Core math this year in solidarity with all those poor kids we’re making do it in school and it’s been a real struggle,” Iowa Caucases Director Smitty Finklebottoms said. “I mean I’ve been trying to teach my 10-year-old how to do the basics for almost a year now. This could take some time.”

Despite the delay in actual numbers, several candidates declared victory without knowing the results. Pete Buttigieg all but declared victory. Bernie Sanders released internal tabulations that showed him ahead.

Chief Elizabeth Warren’s campaign claimed she had scalped the top three candidates heads. Amy Klobuchar’s campaign manager said she ran “even or ahead” of former Vice President Joe Biden. None of them could help with the Common Core addition.

“We want to emphasize that this isn’t a problem with reporting,” Finklebottoms said. “It’s just that nobody knows how to do the damn Common Core math!”


"Excuse me, has this joke been fact-checked?"

Bypass Zuck and his minions and receive hilarious "unauthorized" satire to your inbox, every day.

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.