In a perplexing twist of international diplomacy, Palestinian leaders have assured President Joe Biden that, as part of their gratitude for his role in brokering a hostage release deal, he will receive a generous 10% share of the released hostages. The unexpected offer has left political analysts scratching their heads, wondering if international negotiations now come with a commission.

During a press conference that resembled a surreal hostage-themed auction, a Palestinian spokesperson confidently declared, “We believe in showing appreciation for a job well done. That’s why, for every ten hostages we release, one is set aside for the ‘Big Guy’ – Joe Biden. It’s our way of saying thanks for the assist.”

The announcement has ignited a flurry of speculation about the logistics of this peculiar arrangement. Is there a hostage tally sheet with Biden’s name next to a checkmark for each released captive? Are there specific criteria for selecting the lucky hostages earmarked for the ‘Big Guy’? These are the pressing questions that now dominate the discourse around international relations.

President Biden, seemingly caught off guard, responded with a hesitant chuckle, “Well, that’s certainly a unique offer. Do I get to choose my 10% or is it a surprise package deal?” The President’s attempt at humor didn’t alleviate the confusion in the room.

Sources suggest that this novel approach to diplomacy may be an attempt to introduce a touch of personalization to international negotiations. Some speculate that a hostage loyalty program is in the works, with leaders accumulating points for every successful release, which can be redeemed for a customized selection of hostages.

As the international community grapples with the implications of this hostage distribution deal, one can’t help but wonder if other leaders will start negotiating for their own percentage of released captives. Perhaps in the future, we’ll witness hostage release agreements with line items for each participating world leader, complete with negotiated quotas and personalized selections. Welcome to the brave new world of diplomatic dividends!

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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