WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi proposed a bill today to fund the distribution of beer coozies to alcoholics as part of her plan to advance “alcoholic equity.”

The $1,000,000 grant program will provide corporations with the funds to deliver drinking kits to alcoholics across the country. These kits will also include a portable cooler, a bottle opener and a solid gold beer mug.

The Congresswoman said the kits aim to provide a safer drinking environment for the recipients. Applicants are prioritized as long as they self-identify as an alcoholic and are from an “underserved community.” Straight white males need not apply.

The bill remains in negotiations as democrat and republican lawmakers cannot agree if the giveaway is spelled coozie or koozie.

The bill mirrors other efforts by the Biden administration to ensure equitable crack usage among Americans.

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