In a dazzling display of fiscal acrobatics, House Republicans, led by the ever-proud Speaker Mike Johnson, have passed a historic $63 billion bill dedicated to the noble pursuit of determining how to cut government spending. The bill, dubbed the “Fiscal Freedom and Prosperity Act” (or, as critics call it, the “Spend-to-Save Paradox”), aims to tackle the $37 trillion federal debt by spending even more money.

“It’s a proud moment for us,” Johnson declared from the Capitol steps, his voice trembling with patriotic fervor. “We know the federal debt is a staggering $37 trillion, so we’re focused on cutting that by spending even more! It’s simple math, folks. You spend to save. It’s like buying a $1,000 juicer to make $2 smoothies at home.”

The bill, a 4,372-page behemoth described by aides as “a love letter to bureaucracy,” is packed with essential spending items to help Congress “think really hard” about fiscal restraint. Highlights include $12 billion for a blue-ribbon commission to study redundant government programs (chaired by a cousin of a prominent senator), $8 billion for a nationwide tour to “listen to taxpayers” at luxury resorts, and $15 billion for government-funded transgender surgeries, because, as Johnson put it, “Fiscal responsibility starts with personal empowerment.”

When pressed on the inclusion of such eyebrow-raising provisions, Johnson flashed a sly grin and channeled a ghost from Congresses past: “We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what’s in it.” Somewhere in San Francisco, former Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised a glass of artisanal kombucha in a toast to Johnson’s newfound wisdom, whispering, “He’s one of us now.”

The bill’s passage has sparked a firestorm of reactions. Fiscal hawks within the GOP, like Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX), were seen pacing the Capitol halls muttering, “This is fine,” while clutching dog-eared copies of Atlas Shrugged. Meanwhile, progressive lawmakers praised the bill’s inclusivity, with Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) tweeting, “Spending $63B to think about cutting spending? Iconic. Republicans finally get that vibes matter.”

Economists, however, are less enthused. Dr. Milton Friedman (no relation to the late economist), a budget analyst at the Heritage Foundation, called the bill “a masterclass in irony.” “They’re spending $63 billion to create a flowchart for fiscal discipline,” Friedman said, shaking his head. “That’s like hiring Gordon Ramsay to teach you how to microwave Hot Pockets.”

The bill also allocates $5 billion for a “National Spending Reflection Retreat,” where lawmakers will convene at a five-star Aspen ski resort to “meditate on austerity” while sipping $400 bottles of wine. Another $3 billion is earmarked for a public awareness campaign, featuring ads with slogans like “Cut the Debt, Not the Vibes!” and celebrity endorsements from influencers who recently discovered what “the deficit” means.

As the bill heads to the Senate, where it’s expected to face minimal resistance from lawmakers eager to secure their own pet projects, Americans across the country are grappling with the news. In a small Ohio diner, truck driver Bob Jenkins summed up the national mood: “So they’re spending billions to figure out how to spend less? I’d laugh, but I’m too busy crying into my $8 coffee.”

Meanwhile, in a dimly lit D.C. bar, a tearful Uncle Sam was seen drowning his sorrows in a $12 IPA, muttering, “I used to stand for something.” As the nation weeps, one thing is clear: in Washington, the only thing more expensive than a problem is the plan to solve it.

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