BREAKING: Sarah Fuller wins the Heisman Trophy for ‘kicking off with a vagina’

The NCAA Heisman committee has awarded the prestigious college football award to Sarah Fuller for “kicking off with a vagina.” Fuller is the first female to play in a Power 5 conference game after filling in for a quarantined Vanderbilt football kicker.

No kicker has ever won the award and it has never been awarded before the end of the college football season.

“Never before has a kicker won the Heisman, but we have never seen a kicker kick off with a vagina, so we immediately called for a vote to make sure she won,” NCAA President Jack Ash said.

The Heisman is usually awarded either to a running back or a quarterback; very few players have won the trophy playing a position other than those two aforementioned. Two tight ends have won the trophy, Larry Kelley and Leon Hart. Also, Desmond Howard and Tim Brown won as wide receivers. Charles Woodson is the only primarily defensive player to win the award, doing so as a defensive back, kick returner, and occasional wide receiver for Michigan in 1997. None of these players had a single vagina.