BREAKING: Trump halts Canadian tariffs after Trudeau agrees put “Daddy Trump” on all Canadian currency
Washington, D.C. – In a stunning display of diplomatic prowess (or what some might call sheer audacity), President Donald Trump has announced the immediate cessation of all tariffs on Canadian goods. This decision comes in the wake of an unprecedented negotiation where Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, in a move that could only be described as a surrender of national pride, agreed to two bizarre concessions.
First, Trudeau has pledged to stop the so-called “drug trade at the northern border,” which, according to Trump, includes everything from maple syrup to moose antlers. “We’ve been clear,” Trump declared in a tweet at 3 AM from his gold-plated, eagle-emblazoned toilet, “Canada either puts an end to their nefarious moose antler smuggling or faces economic Armageddon.”
The second condition, however, has left many Canadians in a state of bewilderment, humor, and outright embarrassment. All Canadian currency will now feature the words “Daddy Trump” printed prominently next to the Queen’s portrait. “It’s going to be a beautiful thing,” Trump commented while holding up a mock-up of the new $20 bill, which now reads “Daddy Trump” in cursive, right under Her Majesty’s chin. “Every time a Canadian buys a Tim Hortons coffee, they’ll think of me. It’s a reminder of who’s really in charge.”
Canadian diplomats were seen leaving the White House in various states of disbelief, some reportedly muttering about early retirement or moving to Greenland. Trudeau, in a press conference that seemed more like a hostage video, explained, “We had to protect our economy. Sacrifices had to be made. But rest assured, our national pride will…umm, adapt.”
The reaction in Canada has been mixed. Some see it as a necessary evil to maintain economic stability, while others have taken to the streets in protest, dressed in costumes of beavers and Mounties, chanting, “No more Daddy Dollars!”
Economists on both sides of the border are skeptical. “This isn’t going to solve the trade deficit,” remarked Dr. Eliza Moneybags from the University of Economic Speculations. “But it will certainly make every transaction in Canada a little more… memorable.”
Meanwhile, souvenir shops across Canada are already cashing in, selling “Daddy Trump” merchandise from keychains to limited-edition loonies. “It’s a dark day for our currency, but a gold mine for our gift shops,” said one Ottawa vendor, who is now considering expanding into “Trudeau’s Surrender” themed merchandise.
As for the drug trade at the northern border, local baristas and syrup makers have expressed confusion. “I didn’t know our maple syrup was considered contraband,” said one syrup farmer in Quebec, who now fears an international incident every time he ships his product south.
The world watches, with a mix of amusement and horror, as this new chapter in Canada-U.S. relations unfolds, proving once again that in the realm of international diplomacy, anything is possible when “Daddy Trump” is in charge.
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