WASHINGTON, DC—The White House announced today that the United States will no longer produce bananas so people will stop saying we’re a banana republic.

“The term ‘banana republic’ has a very negative connotation,” said Karine Jean-Pierre, Biden’s press secretary. “It gives off the impression that we’ve become a pariah among nations, which is definitely not the case. To show the world that we’re not a banana republic, the federal government has ordered that bananas no longer be produced in the United States.”

The federal government also ordered the closure of all stores with the name ‘Banana Republic’.

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Rafi Metz

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