Washington, D.C. — In a surprising yet somewhat expected turn of events, FBI Director Christopher Wray has announced his commitment to allow “just a few more” terrorist attacks before he steps down from his position. Speaking from a podium that looked suspiciously like it was made from recycled parts of past FBI fiascoes, Wray outlined his vision for America’s safety with a straight face that could rival a wax statue.

“Under my leadership, we’ve seen a remarkable consistency in our approach to national security,” Wray began, with the kind of confidence one might associate with a chef promising to serve a meal with “just the right amount of arsenic.” “I believe in setting realistic expectations, and thus, I am promising to allow only a handful more terrorist incidents before I retire. It’s all about balance.”

The announcement was met with a mix of applause and muted laughter from an audience composed of journalists, security experts, and a few undercover agents who weren’t entirely sure if they were supposed to be there. Wray continued, “We’ve learned from our past successes, such as the time we managed to arrest someone for looking at a pressure cooker recipe online. We’re applying that experience to ensure that we remain at the forefront of allowing just enough chaos to keep our jobs interesting.”

Critics have been quick to respond. “Allowing more attacks? Is this some sort of reverse psychology to make us feel safe?” questioned Senator Not-Real-Person from the state of Make-Believe. “Or is this just the FBI’s new performance review system?”

Wray’s rationale was as clear as mud. “By permitting a few more incidents, we’re actually enhancing our data collection. It’s like saying, ‘We’ll let you have this one, but we’ll be watching.’ It’s all part of our new strategy: ‘Watch, Learn, Then Maybe Do Something.'”

The director also touched on how these planned attacks would benefit the economy. “Think about it, every time there’s an incident, there’s a surge in security spending. It’s like a stimulus package for the surveillance industry. And who doesn’t love a good economic boost?”

In an attempt to clarify his strategy, Wray offered an analogy, “It’s like baking a cake; you need to let it burn just a little at the edges for that authentic, ‘we tried’ taste.” The metaphor was met with silence, as everyone pondered if the cake was a lie or if the FBI was just cooking up excuses.

Wray concluded his speech with a hopeful note, “Remember, every terrorist attack we allow is one step closer to my retirement. So, in a way, we’re all in this together.”

As the press conference ended, one couldn’t help but wonder if this was Wray’s unique way of setting the bar so low that even the FBI could jump over it. Or perhaps, it’s just business as usual in the land of the free and the home of the brave… or the brazen.

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