SOUTH BEND, IN – Pete Buttigieg came under criticism by pouncing Republicans this week after it was discovered he has an unusual way of eating grapefruit: stabbing them with a pair of scissors before vacuuming out the insides through a straw.
“My grapefruit, my choice,” said a shrugging Buttigieg when asked by a reporter to explain this strange habit. “How a man eats a grapefruit is between him, the grapefruit, and his god. It is not the job of government, or anyone else for that matter, to dictate how I consume my citrus fruit in the privacy of my own home.”
According to information gleaned in an interview with Genesius Times’ own Jeanne Lark, he eats this way to show solidarity with the thousands of women who are deprived of partial-birth abortion, which was made illegal in 2003.
“When I am elected president,” said Pete, “I will ensure that women everywhere have the ability to treat their unborn babies the way I treat this grapefruit.” After giving his statement, Pete picked up another grapefruit and began stabbing it wildly with a pair of surgical scissors.
The Genesius Times’ Midwest correspondent Jeanne Lark slowly backed out of the room and ran to the nearest police station. We are happy to report she is unharmed.