China reassures world that new virus will be ready in time for the Olympics

BEIJING—The Chinese Olympic committee said today that people shouldn’t worry, they will absolutely have a new virus ready by the Olympics opening ceremony.

“We are working on three different plagues right now; a variation of the Kung Prawn that struck in 1807, an oldie but goodie, the Siamese Twin Typhoid, and the one most likely to be spread; the Dancing Panda, which was something recently released from a wet Panda market in Tai Dai province and is now being tested on the locals.

The Dancing Panda has the typical markers of not being too deadly unless you were already fairly useless and sickly. That’s not to say a perfectly healthy person couldn’t die as we see this all the time in our death camps, but the odds are slim, to slimmer yet.

A typical reaction to people planning to attend the Olympics range from “What type of mask should I wear” to “Holy shit, you mean those cute, black and white fuzzballs you see rolling around on the ground over there? They couldn’t hurt anyone.”