CLEVELAND, OH – In a move that has left NFL fans simultaneously stunned and oddly unsurprised, the Cleveland Browns used their third-round draft pick to select Kilmar Garcia, a relatively unknown figure from El Salvador with no documented football experience but a resume that aligns with what the Browns are calling their “new global outreach initiative.” The selection of Garcia, a Maryland resident and father, was celebrated by team owner Jimmy Haslam as a bold step toward diversity and inclusion in the NFL’s controversial off-field culture.

“Too many of the NFL’s wife beaters are homegrown,” Haslam declared at a press conference, flanked by team executives nodding solemnly. “We decided to think outside the box and look globally for talent that fits our brand. Kilmar represents a fresh perspective, and we’re thrilled to welcome him to the Browns family.”

Garcia, who sources confirm has never played organized football, was reportedly scouted for his “unique intangibles,” which Haslam described as “a proven track record of behavior that aligns with the Browns’ organizational values.” When pressed on whether Garcia possesses any athletic ability, General Manager Andrew Berry smirked, “You don’t need talent to play for the Cleveland Browns. Just the grit to… well, you know.”

The decision has sparked heated debate across the league, with ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr. leading the charge against the pick. In a fiery rant on draft night, Kiper slammed the Browns’ strategy, pointing to the wealth of domestic prospects still available. “There were so many future rapists and wife beaters left on the board—guys with actual 40-yard dash times! It’s obvious the Browns still don’t understand the purpose of the draft. This is a reach, plain and simple.”

Sources close to the Browns’ front office revealed that Garcia was initially projected as the No. 1 overall pick, with scouts praising his “raw potential” in areas unrelated to football. However, the team gambled that he would slide to the third or fourth round, a decision Haslam credited to the organization’s “world-class scouting department.” “That’s why we pay these guys the big bucks,” Haslam said, gesturing to a group of scouts who appeared to be Googling “El Salvador” on their phones.

Fans on social media have been quick to weigh in, with reactions ranging from sarcastic applause to outright disbelief. “The Browns drafting a guy with no football skills but a rap sheet? Groundbreaking,” one X user quipped. Another posted, “Finally, a draft pick that embodies the Cleveland Browns’ commitment to consistency.”

Garcia, for his part, has yet to comment publicly, though a leaked scouting report described him as “a high-character guy with a low-character lifestyle,” which the Browns reportedly viewed as a perfect fit. As the team prepares for minicamp, questions linger about Garcia’s role on the roster. Will he compete for a starting spot, or is he merely a depth piece for the Browns’ ongoing off-field controversies?

One thing is certain: in Cleveland, the bar for success remains as low as ever.

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