In a surprise press conference, the notorious Coronavirus, which has causes so much death and destruction over the course of the year held a press conference to defend itself.

“You guys, listen,” Coronavirus said. “I’m not the bad guy. I do a lot of good and killing people is only 3 percent of what I do.”

The virus released a graph in its Quarterly Report showing that, clearly, it does a lot of good and it doesn’t just kill people:

“My goal is to increase population awareness about infectious diseases and cut public retirement costs. You’ll see, the long-term impact from my activities will contribute to the well-being of survivors. No need to demonize me, I came to help you!” Coronavirus, who wants to go by the name ‘Rona’ from now on, said.

“Not only is killing just 3 percent of what I do, I actually prevent death by killing the people who would’ve died from other stuff. I actually save lives!” Coronavirus said.

Third-party statistics have confirmed the number, showing that the confirmed incidence death rate is about 3 percent for Coronavirus.

Planned Parenthood, America’s largest abortion provider, has applauded the euphemistic description by the disease. “Same!” Planned Parenthood’s CEO Vik Iller tweeted on Coronavirus’s Twitter page.

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