WASHINGTON, DC—The Office of the Joint Chiefs of Staff has notified media outlets that the Department of Defense has added new DEFCON levels for President Biden food cravings and poopy pants. Multiple emergency ‘red phones’ have been installed in the White House kitchen and in every room in case of eminent disaster.

Lt. Colonel William ‘Westy” Springfield explained, “Our control center switchboard was receiving communication from the White House at all hours with President Biden’s concerns on many issues. Most were inquiries as to the timely delivery of food items up to the Oval Office… the hot cocoa and cookies of chief concern although he occasionally checked on the status of our missiles, both offensive and defensive.

“So we’ve added new DEFCON levels for the nation’s preparedness in case the President had a special craving, or he defecates himself. DEFCON 4 would be changed to ‘Army Deployed and Send Some Coca Cola’. DEFCON 3 for ‘no snacks at this time’ and ‘the President would like something sweet’. DEFCON 2 is ‘Poopy Pants’, and DEFCON 1 is now ‘Nuclear Diaper Eminent’.”

“The president is preparing an executive order that will give him total freedom on all preparedness levels in all 50 states. Hot cocoa, cookies, and Pampers are being considered as a standard emergency response and FEMA is being notified,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said.

Republicans have commented that the DOD’s addition two DEFCON results in ‘DEFCON packing’.

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