WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Justice has issued an indictment for every president since George Washington for being near the Capitol on Jan. 6.

“Every president since Washington has been near the Capitol on Jan. 6 of every year of their presidency,” a spokesman for the department said. “They are complicit in the same crimes President Trump has committed. Anyone found to have been on or near the Capitol on Jan. 6 will suffer the consequences of their actions.”

A criminal defense attorney who represents every president from Washington till Trump penned a letter to the DOJ explaining that all of his clients were near the Capitol because they were all presidents of the United States, and the White House and Capitol building are relatively close to each other. Hence, he argued, all charges should be dropped.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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