Elizabeth Warren has been fading in the polls recently. Her Native American debacle has not helped. But now that Joe Biden has completely alienated the crucial dog-faced pony soldier vote on one of his campaign stop gaffs, Warren sees an opportunity to pick up those votes.
We know that Warren has claimed her mamaw told her she was a Cherokee Indian because of her high cheekbones. Now that the convention is around the corner desperate measures are needed to erase that genetically proven lie.
To that end, she has gathered campaign consultants consisting primarily of pre-school albino transgender neanderthal midgets. The conventional wisdom emanating from the group was that everyone likes puppies, especially Bassett hounds, and the best way to get a broader appeal as Super Tuesday approaches is to get a Veterinary Board-Certified facial reconstruction specialist to lower her cheekbones and make her look exactly like a Bassett hound.
The logistics were pretty daunting, especially harvesting enough tissue to create long floppy ears but doctors were able to harvest enough cadaver foreskins to get the job done.
The surgical team called in to perform the surgery had reservations about the permanent sad basset hound face but were reassured that Democrats possess only one face; the permanently sad face. All smiles were forever erased and forbidden in preparation for the impeachment. And of course, we all know what happened to their dogs.
Surgery will obviously be performed in the Mary Imogene Bassett Hospital located in Cooperstown NY. Since the Baseball Hall of Fame is located next door to the hospital, Warren will be donating one of her Official Middle School Librarian Spinster Sweaters for their upcoming auction. Bids are set to start at -$100 to haul it away.