Fauci Admits Lab Creation of Coronavirus in Bats, ‘But Would Totes Never Do the Same with Rats’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anthony Fauci announced Tuesday that, with the statute of limitations now expired on his prior testimony before Congress, he was free to confirm that researchers funded by the National Institutes of Health did in fact engineer a coronavirus in bats.
“The work was conducted responsibly and with appropriate oversight,” Fauci told reporters at a sparsely attended briefing. “We took a bat virus, modified it to better infect human cells, and studied it. Standard science. Nothing to see here that we haven’t already denied under oath while the clock was still running.”
Fauci emphasized that the research, long characterized by public health officials as purely observational, had in fact involved deliberate enhancements.
“We call it gain-of-function when we’re applying for grants, and ‘natural spillover preparedness’ when testifying,” he added. “Terminology is flexible.”
When pressed on the implications for the origin of COVID-19, Fauci shrugged.
“Look, bats are special. They’re flying mammals with weird immune systems. Perfect for this kind of thing. We were learning.”
The former National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director was unequivocal, however, on one point: similar work would never be conducted using rats.
“Rats? Absolutely not,” Fauci said. “That would be irresponsible. Bats have a certain dignity. Rats are… well, they’re rats. And they kinda look like me. We have standards.”
Sources close to the agency confirmed that while bat coronaviruses received multimillion-dollar funding and international collaboration, rat-based projects were quietly deprioritized after internal concerns that the public might find “lab-enhanced sewer rodents” less palatable.
Public health experts expressed relief at the clarification.
“This puts to rest many conspiracy theories,” said Dr. Marcus Hale of the American Virology League. “We now know definitively that the research happened exactly as the conspiracy theorists claimed, but only with bats, which are cooler and less likely to make people ask difficult questions about taxpayer funding.”
Congressional Republicans called for new hearings. Congressional Democrats called for more funding. Fauci’s legal team reminded both sides that the relevant window for perjury charges had closed at midnight on Sunday.
In a brief follow-up statement, Fauci added that future research would continue “transparently, within the bounds of the law, and using only approved mammalian models that don’t trigger immediate revulsion in focus groups.”
He declined to rule out pangolins.
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