First biological cheetah who identifies as a man set to take gold for Lichtenstein in Tokyo Olympics

LICHTENSTEIN—The citizens of this small alpine country in the middle of Europe are abuzz as they are set to take the gold medal in the the 100 meter dash with the first ever biological cheetah who identifies as a human running for the country.

The runner, who goes by the name Coco, has smashed all European sprinting records and is poised to win Olympic gold in record fashion.

Some have raised concerns about the first ever trans-human competing in the games after Coco mauled several of his opponents in the Commonwealth games earlier this year, but the Lichtenstein Olympic Committee Chair says that those problems are behind him.

“Coco is just one of a kind. I’ve never thought I would see a man run at nearly 60 miles an hour. Sure, he’s had his ups and downs as a sprinter, but he deserves this chance to become the fastest man alive,” LOC Chair Fritz Bernhardt said.

Coco will likely be the favorite in the competition, while just two years ago, he was relaxing on the African savannah, eyeing delicious zebra meat.

“It’s been an amazing journey. One that will go down in history,” Bernhardt said.

“People say, that cheetah is a cheater,” Coco said through a translator in his first press conference before the Olympics. “I get it. Very punny. But I’ve worked just as hard as anyone out here and I don’t have any biological advantage over these other men, so people need to stop with the hate.”

Lichtenstein has never received any medal during the Summer Olympics. Coco’s would be the first.


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