Goodyear shoots down all fat-shaming blimps; stops producing spare tires

Move over all you woke corporate goons. There’s a company out there that makes y’all look like gun totin’ Bible thumpin’ deplorables. It’s the Goodyear Tire Company of course, who, as you can see below, has some ‘splainin to do. So we sent our famous rubber reporter, Spongy McBalls to investigate.

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After a thorough investigation something is missing from the ‘acceptable’ list. That would be….. slavery. Rubber workers complain of serious labor abuses, and exploitative child labor which they claim amount to modern-day slavery. Yes, slavery. So what does a woke company like Goodyear do about slavery? Absolutely nothing. Oh sure, they form pseudo exploratory subcommittees to improve working conditions and cover up their practice of using slave labor. But when it comes to actual black lives, fuhgeddaboudit.

Their so-called efforts on behalf of black lives recently lead to this statement by the Liberian Government, “The Plantation workers allege, among other things, they remain trapped by poverty and coercion on a frozen-in-time Plantation operated by Goodyear in a manner identical to how the Plantation was operated when it was first opened by Firestone in 1926.” Sure sounds like black lives matter.

But here in America, woketards prevail and it looks like Goodyear has hired a bunch of ’em. In their effort to show support for the obesity epidemic Goodyear shot down all blimps in a fiery hellstorm and immediately, at the request of Weight Watchers, stopped producing spare tires. In the end, where the rubber meets the road, Goodyear has joined the ranks of Gillette by destroying their company, putting countless people on the unemployment lines and screwing stockholders without a kiss afterwards. Now how do you spell Michelin again?