WASHINGTON, DC—Vice President* Kamala Harris made a bold promise today, promising to make everyone who has paid off their student debt in a responsible manner to pay for everyone who hasn’t.

“This is a great way to buy support with other people’s money ostensibly for the common good of more education. It’s just great to see people with quality, market-driven degrees who have worked hard to pay them off paying more for people who have no hope of paying their Gender Studies Master degree off with their Starbucks job,” political analyst Jim Acosted said.

Harris announced this plan alongside progressive lawmakers, including Reps. Pramila Jayapal (D-Wash.), Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.), all of whom have a lot of student debt themselves.

Many graduates with useless degrees are ecstatic. “I didn’t realize I had to actually pay for the loans in the first place,” Mindy Lowque said.

Everyone who owes a student loan would be eligible, regardless of their income or the dumb ass degree that they went hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt to get.

The process is fairly straightforward: the outstanding student loans on the books would be transferred to people who have no student loans.

“Yeah it’s a burden for the people who will be taking on others’ educational mistakes, but hey, that’s socialism!” Acosted added.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts