The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is as old as American pie. OK, maybe not that old, but it sure seems that way. But don’t worry! We at the Genesius Times are offering 7 ways to finally end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. So here they are in all their glory:

• Get the Israelis and Palestinians to sing Kumbaya together.
• Have LeBron James mediate between the two parties. He’s understands the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as much as everything else.
• Send the Palestinians $1400 stimulus checks. It’s not a long-term solution, but it should keep ‘em busy for a while.
• Explain to the Israelis they’re being rude for not allowing themselves to be murdered by the Palestinians.
• Threaten the Palestinians with listening to Joe Biden all day. Even they would prefer living with the Jews than listening to an incoherent and senile old man the entire day.
• Limit rocket and terrorist attacks to only 3 times a year. So at least they don’t feel completely deprived.
• Drop a nuclear bomb on Gaza. Problem solved.

We can’t guarantee all of these solutions will actually work, of course, since the Palestinians have been pretty ticked off about the Jews for the past 5,000 years. But it’s definitely worth a shot. If things don’t work out, we can just go back to blaming everything on Israel. Because that’s way easier.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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